"A Nightmare Come True"
Well, I wanted to update all of my readers about my dilemma with my 7 year old son. If you read my blog called “The Child That Leaves” you’ll understand this story better.
I picked up my 7 year old from his father this weekend. I wanted to spend at least one weekend with him in case he did decide to stay with his father.
I was hoping, of course, that he would change his mind and tell me that he wanted to stay with me. The entire weekend I listened for those magical words.
They never came.
This has been the most heartbreaking thing that has happened to me since I’ve had children. It’s like a nightmare come true.
This precious little angel that I carried in my stomach for 9 months no longer wants to be with me. That’s pretty much what it boils down to.
I feel betrayed. I also feel like a horrible person because of the anger I’m feeling. Why do I feel this way?
This weekend I literally lost it! All of the frustration that I’ve been feeling about this situation came to a head. Of course, I took it out on my ex.
No matter how hard anyone tries to make me think that it’s ok to let him live with his father, I will never understand. In my mind, there is absolutely no reason to split him and his 4 year old brother up. No one will ever make me understand how that’s ok.
My 4 year old was crying after we dropped off his brother this weekend. He told me that he was mad at his brother and that he would never have a real brother ever again. He told me that he didn’t want to sleep by himself (they have always shared a bed despite having their own beds). He said that he wanted to sleep with me. This breaks my heart.
At this point, I’ll take any suggestions and any prayers that I can get. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Until then, I just have to stick it out.
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
I picked up my 7 year old from his father this weekend. I wanted to spend at least one weekend with him in case he did decide to stay with his father.
I was hoping, of course, that he would change his mind and tell me that he wanted to stay with me. The entire weekend I listened for those magical words.
They never came.
This has been the most heartbreaking thing that has happened to me since I’ve had children. It’s like a nightmare come true.
This precious little angel that I carried in my stomach for 9 months no longer wants to be with me. That’s pretty much what it boils down to.
I feel betrayed. I also feel like a horrible person because of the anger I’m feeling. Why do I feel this way?
This weekend I literally lost it! All of the frustration that I’ve been feeling about this situation came to a head. Of course, I took it out on my ex.
No matter how hard anyone tries to make me think that it’s ok to let him live with his father, I will never understand. In my mind, there is absolutely no reason to split him and his 4 year old brother up. No one will ever make me understand how that’s ok.
My 4 year old was crying after we dropped off his brother this weekend. He told me that he was mad at his brother and that he would never have a real brother ever again. He told me that he didn’t want to sleep by himself (they have always shared a bed despite having their own beds). He said that he wanted to sleep with me. This breaks my heart.
At this point, I’ll take any suggestions and any prayers that I can get. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Until then, I just have to stick it out.
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
Labels: come, custody, dad, father, mommy, nightmare, prayers, true
posted by Melissa Swanson at 11:31 AM
Melissa is a student, a working mom, and the mother of 4 boys (ages 4, 7, 8, and 10). She is costantly fueled by the tenacity of her boys and their ability to make her laugh! What they say is true, "Laughter is the best medicine!"
20 Comments:
Hi Melissa:
I will continue praying for you and this situation. Now might be a good time to teach your 4-year old how to talk to God about such specific things.
And, remember -- he's probably got some of the greatest faith in the world at his age. I LOVE IT when 4, 5 and 6-year olds pray for me! :-)
God bless you! Trust in Him and this will turn out far better than you could ever imagine!!
I think you're right. I feel really guilty b/c I haven't been taking them to church like I should. I think that now is the perfect time. Thank you so much for being there when I need it most!
Melissa, I cannot imagine how much you are hurting right now. I am sure that you are angry and feel like you have failed but don't; obviously, you did it to make your son happy and that says a lot. It sounds like you are a great mom with great kids! I too will pray for you and your family. Try and be strong, it sounds like your 4-year-old could really use you right now.
That's what I'm trying to keep in mind; that he needs me. I'm trying to be strong. I did do this so that my son would be happy, in a way. But, I mainly did it b/c I got tired of him asking to live there over and over again. I figured that maybe I should give it a try. I keep hoping that he'll figure out that it won't be as fun as he is thinking it will be and that he'll want to come home. I have to prepare myself for the fact that he may want to stay. I think that my 4 year old will need to go to counseling though. He keeps asking me if his brother is mad at him. He is saying that his brother is "bad". It's killing me. Thank you for your support and prayers!
Melissa said: "I think that my 4 year old will need to go to counseling though."
Melissa,
There is no better Counselor than the Lord Jesus Christ:
For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
I really hate to keep being a busybody, advice-giver, but this is the PERFECT time to show your 4-year old how to petition God and trust in Him to supply -- whether the supply be the returning of your child or the giving to you the Grace to sustain you through this event.
Our kids MUST LEARN both, for God does not always answer as we want or "think" He should. Kids can learn just as much (maybe more) from God NOT answering prayers as they can from Him answering prayers.
Our Monday afternoon prayer group will bring this need before the Lord collectively today. Do so with your child this evening. Speak in faith so that he will know that GOD did it when it happens and be sure to give GOD the credit when it does! :-)
I will definitely do that. I appreciate all your advice. It means a lot. Sometimes things like this will drive us away from God. It's nice to have someone help keep things steered the right way.
"Sometimes things like this will drive us away from God."
Wow! It's awesome that you recognize that!! Most don't, and they start blaming God for THEIR situation. We forget that it's most likely some choice we made that led us to where we are. A merciful God is just waiting there to clean up the mess we make. ;-)
"It's nice to have someone help keep things steered the right way."
God's the One steering, Melissa. He gets ALL the credit (glory and honor). Keep Him in the center, be patient, learn to trust more and more, and "life" will bow under the mercy and grace of the Almighty!
You know how they say that God won't give us anything that we cannot handle? Well, I don't agree. I think that God lets life take it's course. If we never had challenges that we could not handle, then we wouldn't need God. It's the things we cannot handle on our own that draws us closer to him.
Good Morning!
We prayed for you yesterday, and I have also this morning. I really sensed in prayer that God is going to show Himself to you in a new way through this.....if you let Him. I've learned that this is what He desires -- to show Himself to us in a new way as we encounter events, good or bad, in our lives. He revealed Himself in bits and pieces over 4000 years until finally He fully did so in the man Jesus Christ. And, He still wants to reveal Himself to His creation today. We just need to WANT to know Him more and then be able to SEE that revelation. Get ready and you will, Melissa!! :-)
Regarding God putting more on us than we can handle. Yeah, I'd heard that so many times and finally found out where it came from:
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
1 Corinthians 10:13
New Living Translation
I agree with you: I think what Paul means here is that the temptation will not "destroy" a person, but there will come a point, as he writes, that God WILL provide a way out because WE can't figure it out. That, to me, equates to "not being able to handle it"!
God wants to draw you closer to Him through this, Melissa. There's no doubt about that. I think you realize it. Take advantage of His drawing. Can you imagine wanting to get closer to someone you dearly love and they not respond to you, and, God forbid, maybe not even recognize you trying??!!
I pray your day is blessed!
John
PS: I hope the HTML tags work. :-)
No, I cannot imagine what that would be like. I am listening to him and trying to follow what he's telling me. That's all I know to do right now.
Each of these do not apply to EVERY child, but many do apply to any given child:
1. Children look up to their parents.
2. Children fear being abandoned by their parents.
3. Children want their parents to be together.
4. Choosing to live with one parent does not necessarily mean rejecting the other.
5. What if a child wants to live with both parents (which they usually do). The fact is, they can't be in two places at the same time.
It borders on selfishness for one parent to think their their child should "choose them" instead of the ex-spouse.
It should comes as no surprise for a little boy to want to live with his daddy.
For a child to have to choose at all is difficult enough. It is the grownups job to make sure the child is supported in that decision.
Bottom line - I have seen few children whose parents were absent, either because of a death, a divorce, there but "absent" because of alcohol or drug abuse, etc. who did not come away feeling somewhat abandoned. I have seen many examples in my professional life and I experienced that myself. In short, the effect of this perceived abandonement can be moderate or severe, but the effects are there. Our role as adults is to help our children feel loved and supported until a child reaches an age where they can begin working on these issues themselves in a more rational, mature way. True, young children have to work on abandonement issues as best they can, but until a person reaches middle to late adolescences they are not cognitively equipped to do the mental work they will need to do. If/when the adult has issues of anger, jealousy, etc., it is that adults responsibility to take care of that outside of the relatonship with the child, such that the parents "stuff" does not spill over onto them.
In sum - anger, sadness and jealousy are healthy human emotions. Feel them. But, don't let them spill over onto your child who is also going through a tough time since his parents are divorced. Again, divorce is a very traumatic experience for most any child. It will take years for him to sort this out. Hopfully your son has a very positive relationship with his father. That would be what you would want. The best you can do is support and love him without the baggage of a guilt trip put on him for "picking the wrong parent".
I KNOW THIS IS HEARTBREAKING BUT I
FEEL LIKE YOUR 7 YR. OLD WILL WANT
TO COME HOME LATER. CHILDREN ONLY
SEE THINGS SOMETIMES AND THEY ARE
PERSUADED BY THIS. COMFORT YOUR 4
YEAR OLD AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM SO HE WONT THINK EVERYONE IS LEAVING HIM.
WE WILL BE PRAYING ABOUT THIS.
ANONYMOUS
Thank you for sharing your comments. It's nice to have people commenting from both sides of the spectrum. Yes, my son has a great relationship with his father. I also have no doubts that he is a good father. I just feel like he's not making very grown up decisions right now. He's letting his emotions cloud his judgement. I can completely understand the fact that my son wants to live with his father. Although it's hard on me, I was really ok with it. It's when his 4 year old brother started showing signs of separation anxiety that I started getting angry. I just feel like it's too much for a 4 year old to have to go through.
I'm really trying not to let my 7 year old feel my anger and resentment. I tell my story here b/c it's a way to vent my frustration and get advice. This is not something that my child will see.
How do I get past the resentment and make a 4 year old understand that it's not his fault?
Thank you! I have decided that I'm going to enroll my 4 year old in karate. This is something that his brother got to do but not him. He's really excited about that. I guess I'll just make this time about him.
I count 38 instances of "I", "me" and "my" in your original post, and goodness knows how many there are in the comment responses. Therein lies the core of your problem. You are making this about you, not your child.
Your child is a child. He is not capable of deciding what's best for him, only what he wants at any given moment. It's your job to decide what's truly best for him, and to do that no matter how it makes you "feel". For instance, there are times when it's best for my daughters to be with their mother, even though I'd rather they be with me all the time, and it hurts like crazy to be away from them. But it's more important to do what's best for them than to do what feels best to me.
Your child's job is not to take care of your feelings, and you should stop putting that burden on him. That's "parentalizing" him, and causes him to feel guilty and responsible for your unhappiness, and it does permanent damage.
Is it really best for your son to be with his dad? (not by his judgement, but by yours and his dad's... there are plenty of kids his age who think they can fly); if it is, let him know clearly and honestly that you hurt when you're away from him, but that you love him unconditionally no matter what, and your hurt is something natural for a loving mom to feel, it's not something he's doing TO you, and it's not something he needs to feel guilty about or try to fix.
If it's not best for him to be with his dad (abuse, neglect, etc), keep him with you as much as legally possible and deal with the pain of his telling you that's not "what he wants." Do what's best for him regardless of what he wants, and if that causes you pain (as it very well may), suffer that pain knowing that your love for him is more powerful than your need to feel "ok" yourself.
You seem to have a very supportive group of friends and a strong faith. Please look to them for encouragement and validation, and make any decision about your child out of love and concern for him, no matter how it makes you feel. And continue to reinforce with him that you love him no matter what, and it's NOT HIS JOB to protect your feelings.
Best Wishes.
This is exactly why I asked for comments on both "sides". I didn't even realized that I was saying "I" that much. Sometimes someone has to point it out to you. You're right though. It's not his fault. I don't feel like it is, but I think I may have been taking it out on him (although he hasn't been around to know that). I will take your advice and make sure I verbalize that I'm not upset with him in any way. He probably thinks I am.
I don't think he would be "better off" with his father. I think that his father loves him just as much as I do and he's a good father. However, splitting them up is what's bothering me. When you have two equally good parents, something has to be the deciding factor. What is it?
Dont feel guilty because you are doing the right thing. Children are young and they go with what they hear make sure you are doing the right thing as a parent. You are lucky to have a great relationship with you ex I dont we once had this happen with our children and I let them go live with dad I thought I was doing the right thing as a parent but when my ex took me to court I thought I would walk away with my children instead that both live with him now thru the court system they believe that the children should at least get chance to live with their father he is a great person and showed the court that has the right to have them. I see them as much I want and we both still have same rights but all in all my children are happy and I as adult can make things work with patience. Yes it was hard but I look today and see that I did it for my children not for me. My kids are 11 and 12 they come and see me as often as they want they know I still love them and they both know they are welcome here at my house anytime. Maybe you should go to counseling I did and it is what got me thuough this tough time but I look back and see all the changes I've made I'am closer with my step daughters and they now live with my husband and I so I got to have them here with me instead. It may seem easier than said but try it you will see the results. I look as it was way for my step daughters to come live with me ,before I could'nt when the my other 2 children lived with us so maybe it was the right thing.
I'm so sorry that you and your kids had to go through this. I can't imagine them both being taken away. I think that's why I haven't taken him to court. I realize that fathers are being given custody more and more every day. I feel like it would be better if we could work it out ourselves, for the sake of the children.
My step-sons don't live with us full-time. I sympathize with the fact that they can't. My husband will NOT split his two boys up though. One of his sons does want to live with us but the other one doesn't. Both he and his ex made the decision not to split them up. I guess that's why I don't understand what's going on with my ex.
I hope the best for you the children and your ex. It would be best to keep it between you and your ex and dont get into a nasty custody battle with him. You just have to think of your children and take care of the little one he will soon be able to cope with it. Kids only do and say what they what you to hear pretend to the oldest that it does'nt bother you one bit that he is living with dad but dont try to talk him out of it he will come home when he is ready. Be happy their is nothing in writing their still your children as well as they are his. Use this time to help your 4yr old to learn new things ,read to him and just enjoy him he will grow up soon. Plus now I have to pay child support on both of them since he has them it was a nightmare. Maybe your oldest needs his dad more than the other since he is older he may really need the attention some different than you were giving him. Just try to work it ou with ex i had to learn the hard way if I could go back in time I would have tried to work it out with my ex in istead going to court. Plus had his family pulling into doing the court thing too and also I once read that he is remarried so their is a step mom are you worried that she might not take care of him? How is your relationship between you and her does she know you are hurting, explain your concerns with her since she is home with him during the day. It ruined our friendship and relationship we had with our kids. Just try to put you kids first and not yourself right now time will heal.
I am really trying to put all of the attention on my little one now. I've signed him up for karate and am spending a LOT of time playing with him. He always got a lot of attention but he's getting a lot more now. I'm scared I will spoil him.
My relationship with my ex's wife is great. She's a great person. I think she kind of understand what I'm going through. She's sympathetic to my "plight", for a lack of better words.
I do not worry at all about him not being taken care of by either of them. That was never a concern.
I guess now I just need to concentrate on spoiling the little one. I'll take your advice about not letting him know that I'm upset about his brother leaving. Well, he already knows but I can still turn it around.
Post a Comment
<< Home