“The Child That Leaves”
I want to thank all of my readers. I just started writing this blog this month. I have found it to be lots of fun though. I really enjoy having people respond, whether it’s positive or not, and tell me their opinions. After all, that’s what a blog is for.
I have assumed the role of the controversial mom, I think. To me, parenting is all about the ups and downs.
I feel that it’s important to share my experiences in hopes that it may help someone else out there that is going through the same thing.
On that note, I digress…….
I am absolutely devastated by some recent events. My 7 year old and 4 year old sons went and stayed with their father this summer, in Texas. About 1 week ago, the 4 year old came back. He just couldn’t be away from his mommy any more.
The 7 year old hasn’t come back. The problem is he may not. He has decided that he wants to live with his daddy now. This has absolutely broken my heart. I fought and fought with my ex-husband to let him continue to live with me, but he just wasn’t going for it. He really wants him there.
I completely understand how he feels. I have no worries that my baby will be taken care of there. He’s a great father! I’m lucky to at least have that. But, I just cannot get past the fact that he’s going to be split up from his little brother. I know that it will devastate the 4 year old.
Personally, I don’t think my 7 year old is old enough to make such a complicated decision. I feel like the parents are the ones that should make decisions like that. I feel like it’s my job to just tell him how it’s going to be and make him understand we have his best interest at heart.
The thing is I have his father to worry about as well. I do want him to be happy. Being apart from his children has been a constant struggle for him. I have no hostilities against my ex. So, I feel that I need to try to be more understanding.
I just don’t think that I’m being unreasonable to not want to split them up. What do you think?
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
I have assumed the role of the controversial mom, I think. To me, parenting is all about the ups and downs.
I feel that it’s important to share my experiences in hopes that it may help someone else out there that is going through the same thing.
On that note, I digress…….
I am absolutely devastated by some recent events. My 7 year old and 4 year old sons went and stayed with their father this summer, in Texas. About 1 week ago, the 4 year old came back. He just couldn’t be away from his mommy any more.
The 7 year old hasn’t come back. The problem is he may not. He has decided that he wants to live with his daddy now. This has absolutely broken my heart. I fought and fought with my ex-husband to let him continue to live with me, but he just wasn’t going for it. He really wants him there.
I completely understand how he feels. I have no worries that my baby will be taken care of there. He’s a great father! I’m lucky to at least have that. But, I just cannot get past the fact that he’s going to be split up from his little brother. I know that it will devastate the 4 year old.
Personally, I don’t think my 7 year old is old enough to make such a complicated decision. I feel like the parents are the ones that should make decisions like that. I feel like it’s my job to just tell him how it’s going to be and make him understand we have his best interest at heart.
The thing is I have his father to worry about as well. I do want him to be happy. Being apart from his children has been a constant struggle for him. I have no hostilities against my ex. So, I feel that I need to try to be more understanding.
I just don’t think that I’m being unreasonable to not want to split them up. What do you think?
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
Labels: child, contrversial, decision, ex, leaves, mommy, move, readers
posted by Melissa Swanson at 9:30 AM
Melissa is a student, a working mom, and the mother of 4 boys (ages 4, 7, 8, and 10). She is costantly fueled by the tenacity of her boys and their ability to make her laugh! What they say is true, "Laughter is the best medicine!"
29 Comments:
Melissa:
I don't have any biological children, but this sounds like a very tough situation to be in and I sense your struggle. I don't know the answer, but I do know the One Who does. I will be praying for this matter for you, your husband and your child, as I know you will, also. I will put you on our church prayer list tonight, anonymously of course.
That's the best advice I have at the moment. :-)
Thank you so much! I'll take all the prayer I can get. That means a lot to me.
if your ex lives in texas, what sort of custody set up do you have about the kids? that may give you more of a leg to stand on when saying you want him to live with you-especially if it is something that was court ordered
as for if its not covered under the original custody agreement, keeping the children together is usually best for them whether they realize it yet or not-plus the 7yr old will eventually have homesickness set in & he would have to understand that once he has moved in with daddy it will be VERY difficult to move home to mommy- he must understand that it is permanent (even if you feel like you would run get him if he called crying)-
that may help in your defense!
as a mom, you probably do know best in this situation-
remember that once school starts, its not going to be all fun & games like it was during the summer & his new-ness will eventually wear off with dad & his family which may make it not as fun too
You sound just like me. All of the stuff that you just said, I've told him. He just isn't old enough to understand the consequences yet. As far as court ordered custody, there isn't any. We had a pretty straight forward divorce and worked it out between us. I am trying to keep it that way. I feel like, as parents, we should be able to make the best decisions for our children, not the courts. Make sense?
Our congregation prayed for you and this situation last night, Melissa. I also put in a few prayers myself throughout the day. Let the Lord direct it in His time and His way. I truly expect He not only desires to but LOVES to!! :-)
You don't know how much I appreciate your prayers in this difficult time. I had an especially rough night last night. It just really hit me that he may not come back. Thank you so much!
Melissa,
I feel your pain. I have 4 sons, all grown, thank goodness. Before you talk to your 7 year old, you need to have a good long talk with his dad. As long as communication between the two of you is good he should be involved as well. He needs to explain to his son that as much as he loves him and wants him to live with him, it would be unfair to him and his brothers to be separated. He should also let him know that he will be able to visit as often as possible and should he ever need his dad he is there for him. He should also plan for a phone call each week at a scheduled time, his son will have something to look foreward to (Sunday at 10 my dad's calling)?
Just my old thoughts, blessings on you and the boys.
There's no such thing as old thoughts. I think they're pretty good ones. Before I can get his dad to tell him that it's not fair to separate his brother and him, I have to get his dad to understand it himself. He doesn't see a problem with it at all.
How can I get him to understand it?
That one is so tough, so many variables. Is there a new step-mom, has he had the sole care of a child on his own? So many questions, fatherhood is a wonderful thing, but they are still not mothers. Has he considered all that is involved, forgive me but men tend to simplify all things. Doctor visits, school visits, dentist, clothes shopping etc. does his job allow for the time it takes to do all of these necessary things for a child. Juggling for a mother is second nature, for a dad, not so easy. Write down all the things you do just to care for your child and go over it with him. He may not realize the TREMENDOUS job he wants to take on. Full time parents have hardly any free time (I'm not telling you any thing you don't know, does he know.
Well, I feel like he knows. He has always been a hands-on dad. He is capable of doing it with no problems. His job does take him away from home sometimes. But, he is remarried and she watches the boys and her two girls when he's gone. She also runs a daycare from her home. So, I worry about the lack of attention that he'll get. He gets a lot of it when he's home. Right now, I think he wants to stay b/c he's having fun. He just doesn't understand that once school starts all of that will be over.
ultimately with a 7 year old, the decision must be between you and your ex.. It's not the child who has to be convinced, it's your ex.
Melissa:
I know exactly what you are going through! I have a 10 yr old whose father lives in Kansas! I have to let my son go there for six weeks (it seems like an eternity) every summer and I always wonder when I will get a call saying he wants to stay! His dad is always asking him if he wants to live there...by telling him he will buy him things(kind of a sore subject between us)! So far I have been lucky, he misses us and usually comes home a little early! I don't know what I would do if he ever said he wanted to live with his dad...I would be devastated!
You're right about that. I think it would be easier to convince the child. I'm just trying to figure out how to convince him.
This has been going on for a while with my ex also. He has always agreed with me that he was too young to be separated from me. But, this summer, he didn't. I'm not sure why he thinks he's all of a sudden grown up. Even at 10, I don't think they should be away from their mothers unless the better home is the father.
Melissa: "How can I get him to understand it?"
John: What if it IS God's will that he be with his daddy? Are you willing to accept that? If so, leave it in God's hands. If not, pray for the ability to let Him handle it.
Why do we pray if we always want to insert "our" will into things? Too many times we think we know what we feel God's will is in a certain situation, but then realize it probably wasn't, because it doesn't work out like we thought it would. And, many times, people get mad at GOD for that, when He never had a chance to employ His will.
I've found that being willing to let God handle it goes a long way with Him. I've got to surrender my will to His in order to see if HIS WILL is what I thought all along. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But, if I don't wait long enough for Him to act, I may never find out.
Sometimes God's a microwave, sometimes a crock pot. He rarely lets us know which. I think He calls that faith. :-)
Melissa, I can sort of relate as well. I am the step-mom of four great boys! In our case, my husband and I raise all of them along with our daughter. We have been though the stages of wanting to be at their mom's house more, even to the extent of one moving out for two days because he did not get his way (he was 16, that is another story). Anyway, even though we try to let them have some say so in what they do with her and as much time as they spend with her, they always want to come back home. They know that they only have one home. Sure, they have fun with their mom but that is it, it is the "fun" house. Eventually, that fun does wear off and they miss home. We try to raise them with some things that she just cannot provide such as a solid home, Christian values, etc. In our case, it is easy to distinguish which parent is a better fit to raise them, I cannot say the same for your situation. Divorce is tough but even tougher on the kids, they feel torn between two parents whom they care for. Try and understand your son's feelings as he is very confused right now. Don't lay on the guilt trip even though that may steer him in your direction, it will only make him more upset. Explain to him your views on the subject. Maybe even a little more visitation time with dad should be considered as this is a very important relationship for a boy to have. I can remember how terrible I felt, even though it only lasted 2 days! I hope this helps.
John.........
Yes, I am willing to accept it if it is God's will. I had someone ask me the same thing a few days ago. I actually had come to the point of accepting it until my younger son started saying that he wanted his brother to come home. How do I explain it to him? He's only 4.
Yes it does help. Thank your for writing. It's important to me to get feedback from my readers. It's what keeps me going. I think that if my son was older, this would be a little bit easier for me. I just feel like there is so much left that I, as a mother, need to teach him. He's only 7 after all. His father provides a very loving, stable living environment; and a Christian one. So, I don't have to worry about that. I thank God for that. I just don't understand how splitting them up can be good for either one of them. I think you're right about a little boy needing to spend time with his father. He does have a male figure when he's with me though. He has a very loving step-father. I'm remarried. I know it's just not the same though. I did let the boys spend the entire summer with their daddy. I felt like that was enough. They also see him every other weekend all year long. Is this not enough?
Well, a few thoughts on that: Yes, I do think that your visitation schedule does seem to be enough. The father has to understand, he is not the only one who has to be without his son part of the time. At the age of 7, I think that it is too young to really decide on such an important detail. If he was 13 or so, possibly but I think 7 is too young to really consider all that will be changing in his life. Don't in anyway feel that you have failed as a mother or that he loves you any less. This is normal for a child. As I said before, they feel torn and undecided. My kids always try to make everyone else (me, mom, dad) happy and then worry if they have made the wrong decision. Hang in there! One day he will understand your intentions!
That's my worst fear; that he will feel torn. I never want him to feel like he has to decide between his parents. Despite my feelings, I refuse to tell him that I want him to stay b/c I'll be sad. I just tell him that I want him to stay b/c I love him. But, I've also told him that his daddy loves him just as much and that I just want him to be happy. I want to tell him that I don't think he's old enough to move out, but I don't want to put any pressure on him. I'm going to get him from his daddy's house tonight. I'm hoping that he will decide that he wants to stay after spending the weekend with me. I'll keep my fingers crossed. He told me that last time he was here. But when he went back to his daddy's house, he told him he wanted to stay there. He's just telling whichever parent he's with. If he does this again, should I just put my foot down and tell his father that he wants to stay and that's the end of it?
Melissa:
My stepdaughter wanted to go live with her dad when her mother and I had been married about a year. She eventually got over it. It was tough....for sure.
But, I've just realized that this decision has really not even been made yet, right? Just keep praying, as I will, that God's will is done and that YOU will have the words to tell both the older and younger sons when the time comes....IF....it ever does.
Well, in my ex's mind the decision is made. But, in my mind it's not. I guess it's b/c I don't want to accept it after all.
I guess you do know what I'm going through. I'll keep praying like you said. Thanks for everything! Please keep writing. I'll post new problems several times a week, LOL!
You really are lucky to have a good relationship with the ex.
One local mom and artist has had a terrible struggle with her ex and custody issues and the judge involved. She's expressed her pain through some great art. Deb's blog is here...www.debbiebuchananengle.blogspot.com
You're right. I am lucky! People tell me that all the time. We just made the decision that we had to get along for our children's sake. I guess it's because our divorce was pretty neutral.
Melissa-
I went through a divorce many years ago with 3 children and I remember how tough it is. I think a 7 year old is definitely too young to make that decision. You and your ex need to make the decision and I think it would be so sad to separate him from his younger brother. ( I am assuming the older 2 are your stepchildren-is this correct?) Is he settled in his school here and does he have friends there? Does he play sports or take music lessons or Cub Scouts? I would hate to just leave all of that. There are a lot of issues to consider other than just "where he wants to be right now." When my oldest was about 16 he chose to live with his father and it worked out fine. But at 7? Too big a decision for a child to make. Make sure that your ex understands that this affects many people and needs to be carefully considered! The child could change his mind in about a month and then what do you do when he cries and wants to come home to you??
I agree with you Mary. I think he's WAY too young to have such a huge burden on him. It should have never been entertained. I told my ex that he should have just told him that he was too young to be moving around at the age of 7. He keeps saying, "I'd be stupid not to let my child come live with me when he asks." I understand that, but I also think that sometimes we have to make decisions for our children that are in their best interest and not ours. Make sense? I am now having to deal with my 4 year olds separation anxiety.
Yes, my 7 year old was involved in many activities. It's a lot of leg work just to get him unenrolled. Some of the contracts I'm stuck in.
And yes, the two oldest are my step-sons. They, thankfully, are not mixed up in all of this. I feel I need to mention that the 4 year old is also the son of my ex. What's he thinking?
Melissa: You seem to be handling a difficult situation well. Divorce is so hard on children. There is just no way around it. Maybe kids have too many life-changing decisions to make early-on and any-which-way it goes somebody gets hurt.
Having said that and having lived through your situation I can truthfully say that it will get better every day. The circumstance can change overnight, or if it doesn't you could look back in a few years and see that it was the right thing even though it was the hardest thing.
Perhaps your 4 year old needs some one-on-one with you. He misses his brother and probably will continue to, but maybe this will be a special time for him. He won't be little long and before you know it will be 7!!
I don't know what I will do when he turns 7! This is my baby. I cannot have any more children, and don't want to, LOL. But, I really will miss the whole toddler thing. I think you're right about this time needing to be about him. He's not used to getting all the attention. I took him to see Ratatouille last night. I gave him way too much candy, but I think he really enjoyed it just being the two of us.
I just wanted to let everyone know that my 7 year old has decided to come back home. He's not with me. I knew he would change his mind, but I didn't figure it would happen this fast. Thank you for all your prayers and support!
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