"Am I Doing The Right Thing?"
All of this chaos has got me thinking, “Am I doing the right thing?”
I feel that I did the right thing in allowing my son to entertain the thought of living with his father.
I feel that I did the wrong thing in allowing the boys to be split up.
The thing is I can’t have it both ways.
So, what is the right thing to do? Is it to fight to get my son back and make this already delicate situation even worse? Is it to keep them split up?
For me, letting both of them go live with their father is absolutely not an option! The 4 year old doesn’t want to live with him, and I don’t think that he needs to be away from his mother. Plus, my 4 year old is REALLY close to his step-father. He’s pretty much raised him since he was 1-1/2. He adores this little boy.
The relationship between my 7 year old and his step-father isn’t that close. They get along and my husband loves him and visa versa, but they met when he was 4. So, he was already close to his real father. My 7 year old is the one that has really taken the divorce hard.
I guess the good thing is that it was a very peaceful divorce. It’s only now that it’s getting volatile.
I say that it’s volatile, but it’s mainly because I cannot accept him leaving. So, I’ve become a difficult ex-wife. I told my ex that it’s not personal. It’s because he’s come between me and our children. I cannot sit back and watch this all unfold without saying anything.
I think he understands, but he certainly doesn’t like it.
All in all, I think he’s a great person. I just think that he’s not making the best parenting decisions. I feel like he’s letting his emotional needs cloud his best judgement.
Could I be wrong? I’d like to hear both sides of the story from people out there.
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
I feel that I did the right thing in allowing my son to entertain the thought of living with his father.
I feel that I did the wrong thing in allowing the boys to be split up.
The thing is I can’t have it both ways.
So, what is the right thing to do? Is it to fight to get my son back and make this already delicate situation even worse? Is it to keep them split up?
For me, letting both of them go live with their father is absolutely not an option! The 4 year old doesn’t want to live with him, and I don’t think that he needs to be away from his mother. Plus, my 4 year old is REALLY close to his step-father. He’s pretty much raised him since he was 1-1/2. He adores this little boy.
The relationship between my 7 year old and his step-father isn’t that close. They get along and my husband loves him and visa versa, but they met when he was 4. So, he was already close to his real father. My 7 year old is the one that has really taken the divorce hard.
I guess the good thing is that it was a very peaceful divorce. It’s only now that it’s getting volatile.
I say that it’s volatile, but it’s mainly because I cannot accept him leaving. So, I’ve become a difficult ex-wife. I told my ex that it’s not personal. It’s because he’s come between me and our children. I cannot sit back and watch this all unfold without saying anything.
I think he understands, but he certainly doesn’t like it.
All in all, I think he’s a great person. I just think that he’s not making the best parenting decisions. I feel like he’s letting his emotional needs cloud his best judgement.
Could I be wrong? I’d like to hear both sides of the story from people out there.
Check out the comments and share yours by clicking HERE.
Labels: "splitting up", divorce, emotional, emotions, ex, ex-huband, ex-wife, right, thing, wife
posted by Melissa Swanson at 10:45 AM
Melissa is a student, a working mom, and the mother of 4 boys (ages 4, 7, 8, and 10). She is costantly fueled by the tenacity of her boys and their ability to make her laugh! What they say is true, "Laughter is the best medicine!"
13 Comments:
The thing is no matter what happens to the parents the parents have to do whats best for the kids. I do know you taking it out on your ex is wrong he's just a dad loving his kids. In this day and time guys can be just as much an emotional support for his kids as a women can be. If I were the dad your post about the step dad being close to the 4 year would feel like retaliation. I get the feeling your husband and your ex don't like each other. If this is the case that line in the sand that has been drawn could be the total problem. Kids feeling like they are forced to choose sides. I realize its a man on the outside looking in but I fought that very battle at 14 my oldest moved in with me. When my youngest reached 14 he also moved in with me. So pleaser for the kids sake I think the problem is with the adults not with the kids.
Thank you for writing. I really didn't mean for it to come across at retaliation about the step-dad. He's just lived with him longer. My 4 year old loves his father very much. He calls his step-dad by his first name, not dad or daddy. So, I just stated that wrong. I see what you mean though.
I know that dads can be emotionally tied to their children, and my ex is. He loves them as much as I do. I just think that it may be clouding his judgement a little.
I'm assuming by your post that you're a father. Would you ever consider splitting up your kids just b/c only one wanted to live with you?
Melissa:
Think about it in this way:
You claim your ex is splitting the children up, right? Well, what if the ex asked you to "make" your 4-year old move in with him so that they wouldn't be split up? You say the 4-year old doesn't want to live with his dad, but the exact opposite is true of the 7-year old -- he would rather live with his dad. So, in a sense, making the older one return to you is doing the same thing to your ex as taking the younger one from you would be doing.
Bottom line: if it's best they be together, are you willing to allow the younger one to go live with the ex even IF he (the younger) didn't want to?
I'm really not trying to be critical or cause you more pain, but look at it from that perspective. No, it won't answer anything. I've just learned to try to view life from as many vantage points as possible and quit focusing on how it's affecting ME only. :-)
Still praying for ya!
This is a question that I've been asking myself for a few days. Would I be willing to let my other son live with him? I honestly can't say that I would. So, maybe I need to just stop complaining that they're being split up.
I think you're right about it not doing any good. I did pray about it and still am. I guess it's just time to sit and wait. It's just hard.
Yes ma'am at 14 my oldest moved ion wth me. I think slpiting them up is what caused alot of the emotional problems the youngest had later in life. But you live and learn each situation is different. I made the boys stay with there mother when along the lines of 8 and 4 they decided to play us against each other. She and I have always had a terrible divorce relationship still do. But my first and last thought was those boys no matter what. Some times one parent is a great role model and the other stinks. I will say this whenemotions get involved all u get is the wrong answer.
I'm sorry that your divorce relationship is so bad. I'm thankful that ours isn't. I don't feel like there is a right answer either. I want to believe that I'm right, but I'm starting to believe that their happiness is best. Maybe the 4 year old will forgive and forget.
For the child's sake give it a try then in the log run you can least say you tried. We as parents get so wrapped up in our own feelings instead of our children and for them. Boys need their father's I dont care how many people tell you but boys need to a man remodel that mom's can'nt give them are even they if they have a step dad in the picture. Step dads can only do so much they cant replace their father spot in the home. I have been thur this I have 2 children 2 boys so I can say I have been in your shoes before. My oldest came to live with me when he was 8yrs old and his brother is 5yrs old. My ex and I have dealt with the same problems, the 5yrs old cried for his brother off and on then my ex said that it was the fact that he had heard so much between mom and dad and family that he was stuck in the middle. She just kept him busy every second and before to long he just realized that he got to have mom all the time by himself. Children will go with the flow. It has been about 2years and both my sons have great relationships and are closer than before. I want you to just put yourself in your ex's shoes . When people get a divorce it seems that the moms have all the right let's give the guys a break for once , now you are seeing today that more dads have their children in the court not the women . Your children will thank you one day for being there for them. One more note give it a try ,love the youngest more and show the attention you would you other child . Remember God does'nt give us anything we can't handle. Talk to God this might be a God calling in your son's life . God does'nt do things without a answer at the end. For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke12:34 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 . I will pray for you tonight in my Bible class and for your children . Give your worries to the lord and he will answer to you with the right words. GOD BLESS YOU
Thank you very much for telling me your story. Since I wrote this blog, I'm starting to understand a little more of what my ex is going through. Although I will never be ok with them being split up, I realize that there is no good way to solve this problem. I am letting my older son stay with his dad. I realize that that's where he wants to be. It's just hard to listen to the little one crying for him.
He will start to understand I saw were you stated that they both go for the summer . How often do you see them during the summer? How does the little one do without you in the summer. The younger one will soon adjust he will forget and forgive. Children often just go with the flow. Thats why when parents get a divorce when the kids are younger, when they remarry sometimes the kids have no clue thats why that start calling step dad {dad[ and so on kids really go by what they hear and what we as parents tell them. I think in the long run I would'nt want my kids with me if they did'nt want to be with me sometimes we have to just do whats best for them even if we have to suffer doing as parents. I feel like you are doing a great job and I think you are make the best future for your sons.Take care!
They stayed with their father from June 1st until a couple of weeks ago. I got them on weekends once or twice a month. During the school year they live with me. Their father sees them once or twice a month. The 4 year old usually doesn't last longer than a couple of days without crying for me. So this summer was hard for him. The 7 year old loves to stay with his father. I don't want him to stay here if he doesn't want to be with me either. However, if his father wasn't a good father, it would be a different story.
Iam glad to hear you and your ex are still able to talk and be civil due to your children. Parents have to start putting themselves into each other shoes. Its great to hear their father is so active with them both.He is just being a great dad be glad that you dont have to worry about his health are safety their.I think you are doing far and beyond as mom let your son live with his dad. I know it's hard but I have 2 sons and 1 step daughter and my ex has the 9 yr old living with him now and I have the 6yr old at first I was you scared hurt and angry with my ex. Thats when I sat back and saw how much my son needed his daddy . I did worry about the 6yr old but as of 7 months ago he went their with daddy too, boys just need their dads. I then realize that I mom could not be dad and mom both sides. Their step dad was so hurt but he was there for me thur the crying fits I had and all the ugly things thought of. I even thought I would get a lawyer and take him to court but my lawyer said that it was best the kids be with dad. We did nothing in paper so maybe they might change their minds later. Boys are so different than us girls and Iam happy today with the choice I made to help my sons to have a happy life . You are doing this for you son's sake !
I just wanted to let everyone know that my 7 year old has decided to come back home. He's not with me. I knew he would change his mind, but I didn't figure it would happen this fast. Thank you for all your prayers and support!
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